Mike's musings

Hallucinations

I really don't like hallucinating, which is something that happens quite regularly to me when I have a temperature. So, the last couple of nights/days have been interesting. I don't tend to see things, just know that all's not quite right: for instance, all I wanted to do last night was sleep. But no - the "helpful Christian voices" wouldn't let me. Sounds lame or scary, but it's just a bother, to be honest: I know what's going on, and I'm not ill enough to be taken in.

Having been awake most of the night, this came along. Don't know whether I should really be posting it, but hey...

The Conversion of Saint Raul, or "reclaiming a poster boy"

(Coming to us in the near future, if we're not careful...)

Raul sat on the train, feeling rather pleased with himself. They'd got 6 new ones in London - of which 4 were down to him, and 1 of which he'd claim as an "assist" - and he had a good lead in Bristol, which is where he was going now. He'd got the relevant bishops' emails (sometimes, it seemed, provided somewhat unwillingly, but OAfJ knew how to pull the relevant strings), and he had some good contacts in the local media. In fact, the national - and even international - media were beginning to take notice of the work of Outing Anglicans for Jesus, and there'd been quite a scrum when Raul had thrown the last incumbent's vestments onto the muddy street outside the church and ritually burnt them, before handing him over to his bishop. Of course, it wasn't all high-church Anglo-Catholics, so you had to pick your desecration carefully, and one of Raul's favourites had been a nasty piece of work called Stephen, who'd finally confessed when the OAfJ had thrown his copy of "The Message" onto a bonfire in the church hall car park.

Just then, as the train passed through a tunnel, there was a flash of light. Raul was blinded, and ducked down onto the floor, sure that the train had hit something, and that the carriage would at any moment start to buckle. However, nothing of the kind happened, and he was about to get up, when suddenly he heard a voice.

"Oi, Raul. Why are you picking on me?"
"Jesus Christ," blasphemed Raul, "who the hell's that?"
"Right first time," said the voice, "it's Jesus, who you're persecuting. Now, get up, get off at the next station, and you'll get your instructions."
The other OAfJ officers with Raul were flabbergasted - they'd heard the sound, but couldn't see anyone. Raul, trying to rescue something of his dignity, got up from the floor of the carriage, but when he opened his eyes, he couldn't see anything. So they helped him off at the next stop, which was Bristol Temple Meads, the city station. They found a hotel, but he was completely blind for three days, and didn't touch a morsel of food or a drop of drink.

Now, in Bristol, there was a rector of a church in the city who was called Andy. The Lord called to him while he was tidying up after youth club, "Andy!". Andy took his mobile out of his pocket. Caller ID showed "THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY", which he was pretty sure he'd never set up in his contact list, so he decided to go with it. "Yes, Lord?" he answered.

The Lord told him "Go to the Hotel Judas on Straight Street and ask for a guy called Raul Tarsus, as he's praying. In a vision, he's seen a man called Andy come and place his hands on him to restore his sight."

"Lord," Andy answered, "you've got to be joking. I've seen this guy in the news, and all the harm he's been doing to the community in London. And he's come here with authority from the bishops to out and defrock anyone who's even remotely queer."

But the Lord said to Andy, "Get off your backside! This guy's my chosen instrument to present me to that post-Christendom society you're always on about, the media, and all those so-called "God-fearing Christians". I'll show him how much he'll have to suffer for me."

So Andy, somewhat against his better judgement, made sure he still had his mobile (in case God changed his mind on the way), put on a rainbow bracelet (might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb) and headed off to the hotel. They showed him up at reception - he had his dog-collar on, after all - and, full of trepidation, he entered Raul's room. He placed his hands on Raul, and said "Brother Raul, the Lord Jesus, who appeared to you on the train here, has sent me so that you may see again and be filled with the Holy Spirit." Immediately, something seemed to fall from Raul's eyes, and he could see again.

Labels: illness, sexuality